I’ve been kinda taking a break from the news posts and such and just sharing thoughts that are racing through my mind and expressions that are struggling painfully from my heart.
Things are becoming clearer, but I’m still afraid and resisting emotions. There is so much to feel, so much to learn… feelings & lessons & possibilities should be infinite I know but I’m still coming up from off the ground. I think.
I know that causing pain is only a way to release my own. And even tho the only people I want to lose it on are the horrible people in this world that cause so much of it to innocent people I have to search deeper & figure out how to identify the anger and what I should do with it.
Justice. So much justice is all I seek. Fight everyones fight. Obliterate everyone whos kicked everyone down. I refuse. I refuse I refuse there is so much refusal to step down. Sometimes I wish an army would save me from my need to fix everything. Bc it is exhausting and it is painful. Maybe this is why I can handle no. Maybe this is why I can appreciate rejection, it forces me to not be able to lose control. Limitations aren’t always bad if they keep you from obsessive compulsiveness and breaking too much shit.
This anger needs be replaced. I’m getting there. Growing pains? I’m understanding more, opening more, talking more, deeper, openly, crying easier. Speaking more seriously. Finding a piece of my voice that was missing.
I read a story today about two women who traditionally are attracted to men but not opposed to dating outside of their gender. They became close friends through an unusual experience and one described in a really raw beautiful ode to her friend now lover that what’s happened between them is a “friendship ripened into something much bolder”. Touched but angry. Angry bc somewhere along the beginning of time hate was created and we all were victimized and continue to suffer from it. While some of us benefit from it, but really we’ve all been dragged into it. I guess. There are so many ideologies we have no control over that we’ve been forced to believe. Women are less, relationships that are not traditional are wrong, gender fluidity is wrong… and racism was created to destroy us and in so many ways it has worked. Almost everything we’ve been taught to conform to is an abuse and the shit they tell us we’re supposed to be is not even in our DNA. Monogamy is not even in our DNA. It’s a choice. It’s the choice I prefer, but does it have to be everyone elses???
This makes me think of God. My God they have associated such filth with. I don’t believe for a second that these slave type rules we’ve been taught to abide by are anything but man-made. We have to be brave. We have to fly. We only live once. We have to test and challenge. So many people do not have that choice. So many people do not know it’s possibility. I didn’t even til recently. When will we give up?
I am in a war. We have to save black lives worst, but we have to save the world. It’s a set up. The “founding fathers” destroyed lifes purpose. Our present situations… are… angering.
Stolen from the shores of our homeland brought in in chains like animals. My last name is not my own. Rose? Villars? Jackson? Jenkins? Anderson? Who’s names are these. Surely not the ones we would have. Slave owners…. that kept us bound from freedom. Still today.
Gab said today white people would be sitting in complete darkness, eating raw meat, smelling like dead flesh, illiterate, & then dying from smallpox or some medieval disease if it wasn’t for a person of color. She said honestly, it’s not even her being mean or “racist”. That it’s literal documented historical facts. And she’s right. We’ve created everything. Minorities we’ve done everything. The least we could get is some respect and recognition. Sometimes I wonder if white people are really so ignorant they don’t know these things. I think most are.
But I just hate anger. I hate what resentment does. But I think being phony and pretending everything is all okay and thinking everything can be solved with love is unfortunate not a reality unless love be the cause to dismantle this system, to give us what we’re owed. These things will never happen. We’re here, it happened. And that’s it. And that adds insult to injury. The naivety in thinking we can just move on and ignore the truth of what’s still happening is both disrespectful and more and more upsetting. I want off this train tho. I want out of these cities. Away from these news channels. Dare I say away from the closest image of God I see when I look into these little beautiful black faces with eyes literally like the stars. The faces that make my heart cry both tears of joy and pain. Sympathy and passion. Tiny humans that yet to understand why I hug them a little too tight and stare at them a little too long when we meet in spaces where I know we are for that time safe. Isn’t that what love is all about.
There are so many different facets of our purposes. How will I ever find a way to combine them all. To figure it all out. Maybe it’s not that hard. Maybe I’m doing it. Maybe I’m on my way and doing it in small ways already. Giving what I owe.
I was never taught anything about being free about really finding freedom within. Most black people aren’t. Most underprivileged people weren’t. Must people aren’t taught how free we can really be. Because most people have never tried it. I wan tit all. I long for freedom I didn’t know possible til now. I’ve drowned in tears for long and now I want to cry them back into the earth. The ending is not as scary if you’re reallyliving?