A Letter To Little Me

 

 

bubs2Dear Lynn,

You came into this world by slim chance and under strange and unique circumstances. I have to tell you, what you will experience as you grow older is nothing any child or young person could have anything to do with or be prepared for, therefor nothing is your fault nor will it ever be. You are precious and adorable to everyone who meets you and you will grow beautifully, you’re wise beyond your years and very smart – seeing and understanding more than the eyes of a child are supposed to. You still have your innocence and see the world as magic, a lot of that will remain for quite some time – but you’re still naïve. You will confuse your wisdom and intelligence with knowing more than you think you do. This won’t be your fault, because you are taught so little you make your reality and end up believing it all. A lot of it is true, but there is false as well. You’re delicate now, but frustration and anger from confusion and lack of guidance (the things you won’t be able to identify) will come. To be honest, you won’t be able to handle it. The years ahead will be so tumulus, full of trouble and a huge amount of confusion. You will never take any opportunity offered to change this cycle, because you are caught up in a vicious mental cycle that is so deeply internalized you won’t know how. Girl, you will fight like no one ever has. Like no one I’ve ever seen fight, even to this day. Your imagination and spirit will allow you to envision a life a world and people so beautiful that it will help you escape often and it will bring people close to you. You will leave a positive imprint on a lot of peoples lives and vice versa. They will really care about you and want so badly that you do well and you will become frustrated because you keep failing to live up to those expectations. But what you have to understand is no one has showed you how. Everything is so far out of your control and so you are, too. There is a loneliness deep within that will continue to grow inside of you. You have a huge, beautiful heart and an undeniable spirit, but there is a hole right in the middle of it. Nothing is going to ever fill this huge void, you’re going to continue to act out because you’re in need of so much you can’t identify or understand. You’ll end up being so upset with yourself and at life sometimes that you will never recognize and embrace just how brave you are. You see you only accept the best for yourself, when no one taught you to. You know your worth, when no one ever told you. And no matter what life throws at you, no matter how targeted or troubled you are, no matter how many times you come down crashing and crying for however long, you will come out swinging. And it’s why you’ll survive. And many ways you’re like a boxer in their prime. Undefeatable and unstoppable. But that pain will never subside… it will be a dark place you always return to, and it will be the most painful thing there is about being you. You will always feel so alone and have convinced yourself that you are, but you have God. God will long be on your side, through it all. It won’t be easy. You’ll find yourself in unimaginable circumstances, trapped. You will make things as hard as possible for yourself, but it’s still not your fault. It will begin to feel like you are cursed and nothing or no one can get you out of it, but you will survive, you will make it. It’s going to be a long journey, but you will never lose your sense of compassion and faith. Things will become clearer long down the road, but it will be worth it. And you will find freedom piece by piece. God has great plans for you. I’m sure we’ll be talking again in the future. I love you so much.

Pasha

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s