I want to talk about upbringings, self-love and how it or lack there of can affect you in the long run. It’s taken a long time for me to accept how loved and cared about I am, to believe in the full honesty of others words and actions toward me that tell me and have told me so for such a long time now that I am cared for, adored, cherished, appreciated, valued and deeply loved. I’ve had such a love for others and not my own self for so long now, that I didn’t take the time to truly acknowledge that there are and have been so many people who love me for the person I am, the goodness that they see in me and the light and joy I bring into their world. Expressions and compliments like these should not be taken lightly or ignored, doing so was a contributor to why I stayed in a dark and lonely place for so long. This is not to say that I haven’t felt the bonds or love reciprocated in my life, but it never seemed to be enough because it wasn’t where it was supposed to start (at home) and I spent such a long time running from myself that I could only periodically get in touch with these feelings between myself and others be reciprocated. Everyone I’ve loved knows and has known for so long now just how much I love them and what they mean to me, but I apologize if it ever seemed like I didn’t/don’t care about what you express toward me. And I apologize if after trying to tell me past a certain amount of times you found no reason to continue to. I hear you, I am just afraid of you in those moments. It’s hard enough to accept compliments or give yourself recognition or simply be happy to share something good with others sometimes without coming off a certain way. Which is unfortunate that we live in a society that has given us so many reasons to feel insecure or worried or on guard – the least we can do is openly love each other.
They say you have to love yourself before another can love you. I get the meaning behind that, but it’s not true you can learn to love yourself through someone else loving you, but for me personally it’s important to work on me first. I’ve gotten into relationships, platonic and non-platonic I wasn’t ready for and couldn’t fully commit to or even giving the respect of acknowledging it for what it was. I’ve made people feel that they weren’t enough for me because I was so afraid of exposing myself to vulnerability and getting hurt back. I’ve hurt and confused too many people giving and receiving attention and affection and reason to believe our relationships could grow into something more. I’ve shut the door on things in hindsight I shouldn’t have, at least not in the way that I did, I’ve made wounds I couldn’t heal on others and its hurt me even more then it’s hurt them when I went back to try and touch them. at my most confident and secure, I got caught up in relationships I had no business being in. If anyone thought I thought I was above them, they couldn’t have been more wrong, so many times being independent was used against to portray me as someone who was arrogant or self centered. I myself didn’t know what I want, I just knew what I didn’t want and a lot of times that was the petrifying fear of having to be vulnerable and risk being hurt, and every relationship I ever found myself in was toxic and I didn’t want to be with the other person unless I had to fight for it or I had longed for it. That wasn’t healthy and it brought me into relationships that were abusive, chaotic and built to break from the beginning. Each carried out like a roller coaster and ended in disaster. I look back and see how I carried on in friendships and shake my head and try my best to stay conscious to not repeat those patters in the friendships that withstood my immaturity and the friendships I have now.
I’ve already been forgiven and I’ve found that in many cases I’ve held on to these longer than the person involved did. It’s important that I leave this that’s been inside of me here. I’ve been humbly forgiven, through graciousness and through my wise fellows that understand the human experience and how profound upbringings and events and causes can make us into things we weren’t intended to be or do.
Leaving out the background story for personal protection, I can just say that when I was a child I was loved, but the person that was responsible for making sure I knew and felt this was very neglectful. And it was a reoccurring cycle from their family history, unfortunately I got the tail end of it and did me in pretty good, but it stops here. That’s the point. I carried a lot of my parents darkness, negativity, pain and fears. In hindsight I kind of see myself as a small shadow of it all. I didn’t know it then. I’m proud to say although I remember that shadow very well, I no longer live in it. It was the reason for all of my complications with love and self love.
I sat down today and did something I never do, sometime it hurts to do – I opened up a box filled with the most beautiful cards that have been written to me over the years up until recent. And I forced myself to really read them and take them in one by one. They were filled with nothing but reasons to love me. The thing I love most about me is that I love others, but the thing I am learning to and will come to love most is myself and then there will be love full circle. Nobody loses there.
Love yourself. Try it. Work on it.
Don’t give up.
Thank you so much.