I hope I never have to such a letter again, but this is in honor of my friend.
I’ve gone around and around in my head trying to make some kind of sense of the tragedy of your ending. I’ve found that it is impossible. Every time I try and write about you I got stuck because for a year now I haven’t been able to comprehend the reality of the situation and the fact that you’re actually gone. I remember when I first ever met you were just a kid. You looked so happy and had the most natural laugh… well really it was a giggle. I spoke and you just giggled and every time I began to love you like a younger sister more and more. It’s kind of scary because I feel like I’m having déjà vu typing this. Thinking back you were so unprotected and you bounced back and forth between two lives, one that was light and one that was dark. I never entered the dark part of your life, but I tried to rescue from it time and time again when I would see you in vulnerable and dangerous positions. I feel sad everytime I think of the night I was walking through the downtown park of our hometown and I saw you so heavily under the influence of amount of the kind of substances that your small body and soul was not made to handle. It’s funny because people have heard us talk about this and how our connection grew through it, but no one really knows except for me and you just how scary that was, especially for you. I took you by the hand and brought you to a nearby bathroom, I didn’t want you to get in trouble but I didn’t want you to die or anything bad to happen to you either so I got cold water and held the cup for you to drink out of and then we got cold water on your face and the more I looked at your lifeless face and unrecognizable eyes in a trance from the high you were experiencing sitting in that stall the more afraid I became. I didn’t know too much about your background at that time, but I knew you were hiding from home and you were lost and vulnerable and spending more and more time with outside influences that were not healthy for you so I just took put your hood on and took you by your hand and took care of you until you gained a level of consciousness where you could properly function. But for years you sent me messages thanking me for saving your life that night, but I was just thankful you were okay.
They say there’s a reason we develop every relationship we do in life, and the only determination I can come to is that it was me who was chosen to show up for you. I’m no hero, but as the beginning of relationship developed the only way to describe it was that I rescued you and saved you at the most random and unexpected times. Like that other night when I was on the bus coming from my job and it came to a stop downtown and out of the corner of my eye I saw you know who taking you by your wrist into the parking garage door and I just got this uncomfortable feeling, even though she was your friend, I could feel and see you were in trouble and I jumped off of the bus and ran into the parking garage after the both of you and I saw everyone standing in there and it became clear quick that she was going to fight you unwillingly and for a show. Well, I shut that down real quick. We both know that. Once again I took you by the hand and brought you to a friend whos house you could stay for the night. I remember walking away and feeling so relieved. You didn’t know it because you looked up to me so much, but my life was out of control but I would still be there for you and it was my duty. You spoke so highly of me and admired me so much and I heard all of the wonderful things about me to everyone, but I had a lot of issues as well, and I was battling with my own identity and troubles so it was hard to acknowledge that kind of praise when I was going through an internal war myself. But what you said still made me feel good, it was an honor to be your protector.
I want to say sorry about this part, but I know it’s not my fault and that you wouldn’t want me to feel like it is, but when I say sorry it’s because Jessica, I didn’t understand addiction. I still don’t. I don’t know anything about it other then what I’ve seen it to people I care about, and it was because of that that I could only help you up to a certain point. You never asked anything of me, but in hindsight I’m sad I couldn’t have had any part in trying to save you the final fatality.
Jessica, as you got older and I did too, I came to know as a friend and no longer a protector, but you knew you could always count on me no matter what. It made me feel so good to know that although you were struggling with addiction and being sober on and off that you still trusted me as much as you ever did. It was me you called or emailed every random amount of years to simply say “Can I come where you are?” and you would stay with me for however long and leave again and I never knew when I would see you in the physical again until I did. Time and time again it was proven that we stood the test of time in such a unique way. Jessica, I didn’t know when you were under the influence or not, because unlike others it was never evident to me and you were always so respectful and open with me. We talked mostly about things unrelated. And you might be the only fruebd I can say I never even had a fight with. You and I both know how notable that is!!! lol
I wish your story didn’t finish so short, but the most beautiful thing about you, I think was your spirituality. I remember rwhen you were super young and you had all this Buddhist and spiritual and zen type of pictures and posts on your myspace and I thought it was cute that you were into all of that although I didn’t get it. But the most beautiful thing about you was how much you believed in divinity and how in touched with the Universe and your higher self even when you were broken, I feel like your own spirit was whole and your soul was so deep and beautiful that it was just you walking this earth as a human that got caught in such a dark place. Even now that you’re gone and I am still filled with sorrow and tears both cried and uncried, I never pity you or your life. You believed and understood things I never could then… but let me tell you they make so much more sense to me now as I have saught my own guidance for things similar and it makes me so glad to know that you were someone who believed in a light brighter and higher than anything we could ever witness down here.
J.J. I love you and a piece of me will always be painful and confused. I don’t know how to say your ending and life was tragic, but at the same time your life was not. My image of you is still perfect, and honestly every time I look at that picture of you meditating I picture you now in the same position, floating with gesha and mandala flowers, hands together rising toward what’s higher as if you’re preparing to swim upward into air that will lead you somewhere much more amazing than this. This place does not have a name, but earth has no competition with it.
You started as my little girl and you became my friend. I respected you so much and I still do. The last message of yours that makes me smile is “I love you, Lynn. You most definitely helped me grow.” Talk about growth? Girl you MADE me grow. You crack me still sometimes, and I wonder if this sudden journey to spiritual freedom has anything to do with you. Like are you up there saying “I told you”… I wonder if it’s you that’s bringing me closer to a lot of things. What I would give for one more hug from my incredible friend.
I’m glad I got this out. I will always feel apologetic and saddened amongst the emotions your absence left with me. There’s still a little confusion and the random bursts into tears haven’t got any lighter. It hurts. It pierces my heart and that’s just how it has to be, but I am so proud to have known you. I hope that you’ll stick with me in some capacity, because I feel like I feel you sometimes. Because I will never forget you. In sunshine I think of you, in tranquility I think of you. I hope you’re in a form that I can wrap my love around you still. Give yourself the warmest, biggest tightest hug possible and know that in this moment I wish I could do that forever. I love you, JJ… you’re a spirit that remains in essence existing deeper within me than most. You were and are so special to me.
Ase my love, Ase…