To Hillary: Speaking from the heart anger/humility/understanding

Dear Hillary,

I am not the slightest bit crazy about you, and have even yet to forgive you for calling black youth super predators and not taking accountability for that or the other things you’ve done while serving that have hurt my people, but I am a forgiving person and I believe that beneath your exterior that the media uses to portray you as an unlikable person, you are capable of the same compassion, understanding and reason-ability as any human being. I mean who knows who anyone really is, right?  You and I couldn’t be further above and below in our roles and levels in society, but I refuse to believe any one person does not have emotions, and most importantly a heart that speaks. Because we are so incredibly different, I approach this addressing and channeling you as a human, being based on the same feelings that compelled me to write this. It is my heart, and humanity, and relation to you as a human being and “woman” that compelled me to write this letter.

All differences aside, this just wasn’t fair.

I personally know what it’s like to live majority of my every day life with armor. For me, it’s just always been that way. Always wanting the best of me to show, but having built a guard I don’t know how to let down and hardly ever reason to feel like I can. I know what it’s like to feel as strong as you appear to me, and I believe like me you very much are. But I don’t know you. I don’t know how much of what I think comes from accurate observations. Even though I have my unsettled differences with you, this just wasn’t fair.

Because no one knows you, there has been an unfair portrayal of you. Every moment I resented you, was followed with empathy for you. The words “nasty” stuck to me for you. The amount of misogyny slinging from left to right made me overwhelmed for you, and at times even made my skin crawl uncomfortably for you. And when I sat on my bed confused by the outcome of the election, and then you take the stage with lightly glazed eyes to apologize for the glass ceiling not shattering the next day, I recognized the reality of what happened to you.

And today, when I saw a clip of you at the inauguration today, seeming to have accepted what’s happened, I saw you wink at Barack and wondered if you weren’t really only a few blinks away from the glazed eyes you addressed the country with during your concession speech. a deep thought  spoke to me saying “She took this personally, as a woman.”

I mean it, you were the qualified one. You were the better choice. You literally worked your life away to reach the level you have in your arena, an arena no other woman stepped in to. Maybe the presidency was something you’ve dreamed of your whole life, maybe not.  You were the first woman with the chance. It was supposed to be your “day” (really time), and it was stolen. And I empathized with the woman in you. Even though I know that’s the last thing you might want is anyone feeling sorry for you. I am that way, but I’ve learned we need empathy.

 I was angry at you and I haven’t forgotten what for, but there was a part of me within all my anger and frustration with you that was rooting for the woman in you.

If my intuition holds any truth here, I want to say I’m sorry for the disrespect you’ve endured as not only a woman, but a person who did all they could do to deserve the job they were seeking, who had all the experience one would need. I’m sorry if your lost your dream. I’m sorry for how it happened, and the abuse you had to endure through this election and throughout your career.

Fitting into a marginalized group, I was born into that discrimination. Yet I still empathize with you. I still hurt for you.

We share a love for being outside alone, and I wish you a lifetime left of long walks in nature. If you’re you’re at all like I think, I know it is one of the things that relieves the armored. The places that exist in this world with no reasons to distrust. The next time you reach your destination on the a trail or visit to an ocean (if you like that, too) and are able to feel safe and humbled, I hope you will draw in all the things from that divine source that keeps the strongest going and also allows us to let all the hurt out. Our only place for restoration and reconciliation. I hope you have compassion for yourself. We need it. I have yet to have grandchildren or add nearly as many years on to my life that you have to yours, but I know that some of us human beings are more alike than we think.

Well, Hillary, I hope you laugh as much and as hard in your private life as you do in your public one. Laughter helps. We need it.  You’re still unprecedented in your achievements. Whether or whether not it feels like enough for you is for you only.

You got the closest, you went the farthest. If it were anyone this day, it would have been you. I don’t know how you feel, but from where I stand it looks like enough. I write this with no partisan whatsoever, just what my heart spoke, human to human, “woman” to woman.

Grace & Peace for you I hope,

Pasha

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When the cover-up has had enough.

It was a full moon tonight, my friend said as tears streamed down my face. It took two decades for me crack open vulnerabilities door. I told him what does anything matter if I don’t have a family, my own bloodline. I told him I’ve been needing to cry all day, my whole life, actually. He replied:

You do have a bloodline, Lynn
You come from royalty
Like it or not you black
Your bloodline is ancient.
Your ancestors known and unknown are proud of you
Of the woman you have become
And are becoming
I know how hard it must seem right now
I know it may seem like you have no one
But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’m here for you and always will be
One way or another
You’re good
I swear
If you try anything crazy I’ll never forgive you
We’re in it for the long haul.
What about all them brown babies you want
What they gon’ do if you not around
You are here for a reason. And you have purpose.
You just forgot that’s all
You have gold in your veins
Ancient bloodlines
The original womban
You can cry on my shoulder if you need
You ain’t in this by yourself!
I got your back!
You just needed a reminder.
We all need one at times
Look at yourself with eyes you know your spirit deserves.
Don’t beat yourself up
The world already crazy enough as it is
Find peace in your heart
And strive for what it is you know you deserve
Peace and love

Words

These are some words that have been used to describe me in my life. They were given to me when I couldn’t take ownership. They are finding their place within me, slowly, difficultly, but con-sensually, one by one. Affirmations are worth my time. Self-deprecation is harmful. These things I have been told, I heard, but they are only now resonating to come alive within me. I need them most now. They are only now in the works of being appreciated for all they’re worth – and they’re the most priceless reminders I own.  Your words have given me life again… they will serve me the best now. I will remember more as these make way in for good. Thank you, because your words have truly been the makings of me. Your lasting love and unshakable faith in me was more than I could handle. Too many people have cared about me more than I cared about myself, all along the way your words/care/support kept me. This world is full of false reasons to forget about you. This is all grace. I was passive, bc I didn’t understand, but I searched my heart and my letters to recall. I’ve taken ownership.

I am a mystery and a delight. I am a bold and brave heart. I am sunshine. I am a queen. I am full of joy. I brighten every day. I am one of the sweetest people you’ll ever know. I am unstoppable. I am provocative. I am a generous spirit. I am precious. I am passionate. I am strong. I am phenomenal. I am amazing. I am beautiful. I am sharp. I am a dream. I am a bad young lady. I have a God given gift. I am an undeniable spirit. I am respectable. I have class. I am talented. I am thoughtful. I am loved for the fire I bring. I am compassionate. I am one-of-a-kind. I am brilliant. I am truly a precious soul, a truly precious gift. I am  articulate. I am a nice girl. I will be very successful. I am real as hell. I am full of life. I am loved. I am an angel and a warrior. I am admired. I am a survivor and a fighter, whether I like it or not. I am a hero. I am a cool soul. I am a beautiful soul. I am a ray of sunshine, a spark of life – a sister of a different mother. I have the capacity to do whatever the hell it is I want to do. I have all the potential in the world. I am a teacher. I am a pleasure. I am capable. I am a force of nature. I am the reason for a smile. I inspire others to act on their beliefs and passions. I am fun. I am funny. I am wise. I am determined. I will do amazing things and accomplish whatever I choose. I am a reminder that there are good people in the world. I am insightful. I am hilarious. I am a reason for someone to be proud. I am energy. I am pride. I am phenomenal. I am honest. I am true. I am truly a beautiful person. I am pretty incredible. I am not only a beautiful person but a beautiful writer. I am whole, I survived with my integrity and positive nature intact. I am courageous and impressive and I am being watched. I am awesome.

Killed it.

So many highlights from this speech. I cried like a baby. My favorite is when he addresses Michelle. Malia Obama is such a strong young lady. Not ready to see him leave the white house lawn in that helicopter.

 

What I’m Learning

If you pay attention, you can tell the things a person has been through by their actions.

You should be your greatest responsibility. It applies to those who have children as well – you have to be so you can be the best example for your child.

Being an example is a powerful responsibility.

You can almost everything you need inside to be the best version of yourself, but you cannot reach your fullest potential if you’re not mentally, spiritually healthy.

Child abandonment/neglect can really fuck things up for you emotionally in the long run.

You can’t hide from your pain, because doing so keeps you in pain.

Habit. Developed mechanisms and distractions from acknowledging what keeps you hurting have to be identified. And you have to keep yourself in check.

It’s easy to ignore things. So it’s huge when you acknowledge them. This has been a huge issue over my life.

The way people treat you is based on the amount of personal security they have or don’t have for themselves

It will never serve or better you to entertain small minded or insecure people, it is actually the most toxic thing you can do if you do not fit into their category. Stay far away.

Having a pure love for mankind is as amazing as it is difficult. No matter how much people upset me, I feel there there was a seed planet inside me long ago that made it so there is a love within me for them will never die; Even if I wanted it to.   To love any individual first is the risk I will always take without effort. Even though it isn’t always a present feeling, it is a deep truth within me, a known fact, that a part of me was made to love all greatly. I don’t fully understand it or why it is this is a part of me  when I have learned, that past childhood this kind of a love is not commonly or naturally reciprocated among human beings.

Loving purely comes with countless disappointments and risks, but it also blesses powerfully and abundantly with many relationships and experiences to cherish and be proud of for always.

Life really is hella short. You can’t let fear play any part in it.

You have to jump at every opportunity.

“Overthinking” can be as burdening as it can be useful.

Being real is everything.

The people who look down on you will also look up at you. They’ll still feel inadequate, and you’ll still be blessed & humble.

Listening is the hardest but most benefiting thing. The more you listen, the more you’ll be glad you did. The more you’ll long to do it.

Overworking yourself can be self abuse.

Sometimes you have to abuse yourself to be where you want to be.

If you don’t love yourself you will never be able to keep inside how loved you are by others. Others can express to you anything, and you can replay it, speak it out loud, but it won’t mean anything until later on… when you begin to love yourself.

Sacrifices are needed.

Being more stressed than necessary can make you miserable.

You have to work toward your goals and not worry so much about when things will come into fruition. You just have to put the work in and know one day it’ll all pay off.

You have to meet people where you are.

Be passionate and understanding.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just jump.

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It was the was losing a marathon unprepared for

It was the longest hallway, Endless doors

Failed parachutes, falling hard

I have the scars.

It was being thrown out of a lifetimes beating,

Waking up from a nightmare that lasted like a coma.

But it’s the beginning of a beautiful recovery

I have yet to live past the preview my coming attraction,

But I have lived to tell the broken can be reborn

That you can be whole though you’ve been torn

The forgotten can be loved

Testaments exist and live to tell us

Grace given can surpass all we could ever dream of.

Just keep jumping

You’re strong enough now to fail and win anyhow.

Don’t stop jumping……

You’ll get there.

Here’s to the survivors who’s journeys lived past, on and will beyond,

To those frozen in fear,

Just jump and keep on.

We the best.

Live now.

We’ll get there.


“The more I’m afraid of something, the more I know I have to do it. I figured that out when I was a kid. I can lead a protected life, hiding away from the scary world. Or I can take on the things that scare me the most. The more it might hurt, the more I might die doing it. The more worth doing it must be.”